I believe that there is an important paradox in life – the more comfortable you are spending time alone, the more capable you are to be in a relationship.
Seems contradictory, but your ability to be in a healthy relationship is directly correlated to how comfortable you are spending time alone doing things that interest you.
It’s the famous quote “if you’re not happy without it, you won’t be happy with it.”
If you’re not content being alone and out of a relationship, you won’t be happy when you’re in one.
OR, if you’re not content being alone and out of a relationship, you WONT BE ABLE TO properly find a loving relationship for yourself.
The most important relationship that we have in life is the relationship we have with ourselves. If you’re not comfortable spending time alone, how could you be in a relationship with someone else?
If that other person needs/wants their space, suddenly you will become anxious. You won’t need or want space in the same way that they do, so you’ll be anxiously waiting until the other person is ready to spend time with you again.
If you’re not comfortable alone, you will be needy, clingy, and dependent. You will be too reliant on the other person for your own sense of peace and calm.
More importantly, if you’re not comfortable spending time alone, you’re probably not that interesting of a person.
If you have no hobbies, passions, or anything you’re enthusiastic about, you’re probably not that interesting of a person to be around. I probably won’t want to spend a lot of time with you.
I find that the most interesting people are the people who have a good relationship with themselves. They are the ones that have hobbies and activities that they immerse themselves in.
No, not hobbies like eating, netflixing or video games.
Being a “foodie” is not a hobby unless you’re blogging or documenting it in some way.
Binge watching Netflix is not a hobby unless you’re somehow a critic who breaks down what you’re watching in a meaningful way.
Playing video games is not a hobby unless you’re part of a gaming league and are building real relationships with people throughout that process.
Most of these are actually “escapes”. Distractions that prevent you from spending “real” time with yourself. Low hanging fruit of entertainment that doesn’t require any meaningful thought.
Real hobbies. Hobbies like writing, poetry, dance, playing a musical instrument, building things with your hands, reading, meditation, and other strange ways to keep yourself occupied.
THESE are the people who I find myself attracted to. These are the people I would want to start a relationship with.
If you’re not interesting, you’re only going to attract uninteresting people. If your only hobbies are netflix, going to the gym, and drinking on the weekends, this is the type of person you will attract into your life.
Conversely, if you’re an interesting person with hobbies and genuine activities you immerse yourself in, you will be attracted to other people who have a similar lifestyle.
I like to use the words “passionate” and “enthusiastic” – is there anything that you are passionate or enthusiastic about that you can immerse yourself in for hours on end?
If not, this might be why you’re not able to find a good loving relationship or partner to share your time with.
Why? Because you don’t have any relationships with activities.
When you start a new hobby, you start a new relationship. You develop a bond with that activity. You cultivate a certain way that you FEEL while performing the activity.
For example, I have a relationship with my writing. I have a relationship with my freestyle rapping. A relationship with reading. Another with meditation.
In all of these activities I have a certain process. A system. A way that, through repetition, I have learned to approach it.
In all of these I have learned hard lessons. Made mistakes. Approached them in the wrong way, and then eventually the right. I’ve fallen into and out of love with all of them at various times.
My relationship with these activities is a reflection of the relationships that I have in life. The more deeply I have dove into certain passions, the more deeply I can dive into a relationship.
If I can’t dive deep into an activity or hobby, I can’t dive deep into relationships in a meaningful way.
If you remain on the surface of a variety of different activities, you will have surface relationships.
If you learn how to dive deep into something, you will learn how to dive deep into a loving relationship as well.
Diving deep is a skill that we must cultivate. To find your right partner in life, you need to be willing to dive deep. To know the depths of yourself and what makes you tick, and to know what you want in another person.
Then once you have discovered through deep introspection what YOU want, you can dive deep into the personality of another person and discover if they match what you are looking for.
Ideally, if you’re matched up with someone who has the same level of depth, they will be able to do this to you as well.
Relationships are a learning process. It takes trial and error. Experimentation. Measuring results to get rid of failures and repeat successes.
This is what hobbies and passions do for us. They are a learning process of trial and error. You must build a relationship with that activity in order to succeed.
Now, an important distinction here is that you are doing these activities ALONE. On your own. Just you, and that activity.
A large determinant in your ability to dive deep is the quality of attention that you give to that activity. Your presence with it. How IMMERSED you are within it.
For example you could be reading a book or trying to write your thoughts, but how distracted are you? How often do you check your phone or the clock?
How ENTHUSIASTIC are you while performing the activity? What are your energy and excitement levels like?
If you can’t get excited about that activity (or anything in general) how could you possibly get excited about another person?
If you can’t be present an undistracted with an activity, how could you possibly be attentive and undistracted with another person?
If you don’t have the discipline to consistently work on a passion project, how could you have the discipline to work hard at a loving relationship?
The quality and depth of the hobbies you have are an insight into how comfortable you are with yourself.
The quality and depth of the hobbies you have are a reflection into the quality and depth of love relationships you can expect to have in life.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that as I discover more passions and hobbies, the more success I have had with women.
As I dive more deeply into things like meditation or a slackline, I’m able to dive into new depths of relationships.
As I cultivate my passions, I learn about what I am looking for in a partner. And then I go seek those people out.
I’ve never felt more comfortable being alone in my life. My love life has drastically improved as a result of it.
I’ve never had more passions and hobbies in my life. I’ve never been so deep and experienced across a variety of hobbies. My love life has improved as a result of it.
The more comfortable I am being alone, the better I become at maintaining healthy love relationships.
The more I learn to immerse myself in an activity, the more I learn to immerse myself in another person.
If you’re struggling in your love life, my suggestion is to go cultivate a new hobby. Find something that you’re interested in, and then go give it a shot.
Love and life are all about exploring new things. New activities, ideas, and people. New experiences.
If you want to chase love, chase LIFE. Chase living. Chase enjoyment.
Spend some time alone and lose yourself in your own awesomeness, or discover it for the first time.
If nothing else, you will become a more interesting version of yourself 🙂
Thoughts? Similar experiences? Let me know in the comments below!
Also published on Medium.